Beauty

Today I’ll be discussing (complaining about) Smashbox’s three-tone ombré lipsticks. What a load of BS.

Firstly, I don’t know if I have some next level lips that kiss themselves when I’m not looking or feeling but this lipstick smudged like a Mother trucker! I can’t even tell you, but again – I’ll find a way. Load. Of. Monstrosity. What a rip off. £12.00 something, wasted.

Then, let’s move on to the shade, shall we? Yes, I love red lipstick but I was anticipating this to look like the image, a sunset… I don’t know if I’m an invalid at applying lipstick or if they actually false advertised, but it just looked like a standard red lipstick – one that didn’t suit my skin tone at all. I have a Seventeen lipstick that cost £3 that did a better job and looked better than this absolute fudgery. Don’t buy it unless you fancy wasting your money and/or have unkissable-themselves lips and/or don’t have a skin tone that makes you look even pastier when this is applied. I looked washed out and like an albino Eskimo with bright red lips. Imagine. Never. Again.

What a load of BS. Absolute crap. No. It’s a no from me. It doesn’t even deserve a picture nor a link to the product page. Stupidity. What a waste of packaging and a product. My bank statement is bereft and hosting a minute’s silence for the waste at 12am tomorrow morning, GMT.

So, to confirm – things that are legendary:

Bae

Things that are not legendary:

– Be Legendary by Smashbox, ALL the offence in the world – not even “no”! BULL SH*T.

OMG!

At 03:23GMT, I am coming to you not LIVE from my bedroom as I discuss my new ovary face roller.

  • WHILE OTHER FACE MASSAGERS are squeaky, brake easily and require electricity, SENSSE provides a solution in the form of a smooth-rolling face massager that will last a lifetime. The result? MASSAGES YOU’LL LOVE, and a YOUNGER LOOKING YOU.
  • SAY GOODBYE TO LINES and hello to smoother, fuller skin. Implement this facial toner into your morning routine and watch as those lines fade away. The SENSSE tool massages and relaxes your muscles, supports natural blood circulation, and enhances elasticity of saggy skin – leaving you with remarkable results you’ll want to show the world.
  • JUST 5 MINUTES A DAY is all it takes to experience the sensational benefits. No more messing around with expensive creams and time-consuming electric gimmicks. Only taking a few minutes to work its magic, the SENSSE face massager saves you time and ensures your face is looking its best for the day ahead.
  • ACHIEVE A HEALTHY GLOW by rolling with our derma roller and improving your blood circulation. It would be amazing to take your skin back to its younger days, right?! Time machines don’t exist yet – but the SENSSE 3D face roller does – thousands are turning to this face massage tool to revitalize their skin and knock years off their appearance.
  • OUR PROMISE TO YOU – At SENSSE we believe in providing a first-class customer experience. We offer a 60-DAY MONEY BACK GUARANTEE and 2-year manufacture warranty.

I know what you’re not thinking: “oh, wow! That Miamii sure knows how to live… Blogging about a metal OVARY at 03:20something in the morning on a Saturday!”

Well, you know, if I cared about what blogging others thought – long story short is: my soul would’ve left my own body 25 and a half years ago… I catch myself thinking ‘WTF?!” at my own self-inflicted idiocy regularly, it’s nothing new… It just happens less often now. Yes, this blog post isn’t a great example of how not to live but we’re all allowed to have ‘WTF?!’ moments outside of RL, this blog post being written is one of them.

Back to the metal ovary… It’s no secret that blood circulation misses my face most days… I walk around with an inflated beach ball covered in skin – which I call a face. I used to blame it on water retention, but there comes a time where you just got to accept that there isn’t an excuse for that. Of course, it isn’t that bad, I’m highly exaggerating, but you know… Inflation of the facial region.

At this stage, I’m not sure if I want to go back to discussing the metal ovary or just talk about my flaws a little more… Alright, back to the ovary.

It’s not an actual ovary. Sorry to disappoint you… It can’t have an out-of-body PMS, during MS and/or post MS experience outside of your own body, so, apologies… It’s just a face roller and my best buy.

I love it so much even though I’ve had it less than 24 hours. It’s literally like a gym for the face; except there isn’t a gym for the face. Hahahaha. I’m really selling this. FML!

You know what it feels like? The roller for coats/jackets or the pin that we roll out dough with. In hindsight, it probably would’ve been more convenient to use those two but, my face doesn’t want to catch a self-raising flour, milk & yeast infection nor does it want to have fabric where skin used to be…

I bought this one from Amazon (the roller not a fabric skinned yeast facial infection). It’s by Senssé and it’s Sensétional. I love it. It’s literally incredible. There’s nothing like it. Probably FACT because who even thinks to develop a FACE ROLLER?! What must be going on in your life for you to decide to cut metal into an ovary and sell it on Amazon? I’m so glad whatever it is happened, because: YES!

I used it once and noticed a difference instantly. It was like a placebo ‘new face, who dis?!’ effect. We’ve all been there.

So, there we go… It defines the cheekbones, smoothens lines and jowls whilst also defining the jawline. Perfection.

I mean, 99.999999999999999999 – 100% of the population don’t need this, but I do so… Don’t buy it. But, allow me to buy it so I can tell you about it and waste a few hours of your life.

Did I mention that it’s a metal ovary? Only the finest of Rose Gold placentas (which this isn’t) for moi… What am I on about? I don’t even know!

I also know it looks like a pee-pee. I was told this by a friend and I did get slightly mortified. However, not enough to still post about it, clearly. “It’s like a pee-pee fidget spinner for the face!”, she said. I don’t know what to say… I prefer ovaries just because I’ve got set of those and can relate to them on an emotional level.

How do I like my eggs?

Poached.

Hahaha!

 

As I mentioned briefly before, my love for the botanicals is actually becoming out of control… I don’t know if I’ll wake up tomorrow and find branches where my bones used to be, but for now – know that I smell like tea tree, a bit a lot.

Right, back to Australin BodyCare, not that we were on the subject to start with but, hey, ho! Hi, ho! On with this blog post I go *whistles to the Seven Dwarves*. 🎶

Legit, currently and before currently, I always (never) asked myself if there was some sort of malfunction at my birth… When I consider and ponder this, you’ll all be the firsts to know.

I smell like tea tree. That’s all I really wanted to say… Tea Tree smells somewhat potent. Therefore, I don’t exactly know why I’m writing a whole blog post about it… I mean, it’s nothing to write home (or shout from the rooftops about). In essence, I smell like PG Tips before they became loose leaf tea bags… That’s it.

I bought the body lotion, shower gel and scrub. I’m going to be real with you, it doesn’t help when you smell like other people’s sweat. I don’t know what you heard, but it’s almost impossible to travel on TfL without leaving the tube with every single person who shared that carriage with’s sweat and germs…

It’s like a little disgusting gift that TfL give you for topping up your Oyster and using their sometimes always delayed and/or on-strike service. (Especially if you lead the life I do and have people coughing and/or sneezing in your face at every opportunity they get.)

Join me here tomorrow- same time, same place, where I’ll divulge into the contents of the times I caught TfL flu aplenty.

Again, let’s cast our minds back to what we were discussing before I went on the germ-infested tangent that is TfL… You might need to use more than one body wash, because if you use it on its own, you’ll smell like a BO’d tree. No matter how much I love trees, that – right there is the point where I declare myself “out” – like they do on Dragon’s Den.

Australian BodyCare’s packaging is pretty bog standard. Pretty and bog standard. I love the colour blue, so there you go… It’s blue. It looks like something you’d find in a bathroom… What next?!

Did I like using Australian BodyCare? It’s not the most incredible product I’ve ever applied on my skin but it’s okay… It does the job. I’m just here for smelling like a hot liquified Kew Gardens.

Thanks you, SPICEBEAN! You’re also every damn thing!

Xxx

P.S. I bought seeds to be planted in my garden because I love botanicals so much… Check back here in Spring (or before) to read all about it.

Charcoal powders are everywhere on Instagram… People are endorsing them like I’m drinking water (I drink lots of water). So, I thought it’s high time that I invest (in charcoal tooth powders) and see what all the fuss is about…

Firstly, I’d like to mention that I had a dentist appointment a few weeks ago and that the reason I wasn’t asked to come back (along with my incredibly good hygiene) was because of this (I’m assuming)…

Having said that, you know what happened to the first person to “assume”, right..? They made an ass out of the third party and themselves! Hahahaha. That one gets me every time. I love it. It’s legit my favourite saying… (I also need to get out more, once a day isn’t enough – clearly).

Anyway, back to the powder… I bought it on Amazon. However, it’s since been made unavailable but there are plenty more that you can check out…

  • FOOD GRADE INGREDIENTS: No Harmful Chemicals, No Bleach, No Fluoride, No Artificial Colors, No Preservatives. Excellent for promoting gum health, freshen breath, tartar control, teeth cleaning and whitening.
  • ORGANIC ACTIVATED COCONUT CHARCOAL: Coconut husks-based activated charcoal has the highest adsorption power and the highest effectiveness in removing impurities.
  • SAFE ON SENSITIVE TEETH: Our food grade ingredients are specially formulated to ensure the most sensitive teeth won’t suffer.
  • FRESHENS BREATH: With natural spearmint flavor, to ensure you have the fresh breath the whole day.

I’m going to be honest… I ordered a product that’s picture and brand was different to what I received. I was, in a sense, Mousefished  – a term that I’ve just made up, feel free to use it…

Mousefish – noun – a term to describe the act of ordering something on the internet, but receiving something completely different.

What I thought I’d ordered, what was advertised… Also, not what I received.

Yes, it was not what I ordered… Again, yes – I could’ve returned it but – do you know how long the process is?! I’d have to fill out the form, send it to the post office, pay for delivery – I ain’t got time. Plus, and most importantly, I researched the product to make sure I wasn’t sent something completely unusable and/or damaging to my teeth.

So, like I said, I used Vena Beauty’s mis-represented product (and have been since I bought it). I’ve got to say though that: I love it. Look, I don’t look sexy with a pitch black toothpaste-y mouth and teeth, then again I hardly look sexy without it so…

What I mean is the result (minus some granules getting stuck in between your teeth), is very nice. My teeth looked squeaky clean, my breath and entire mouth felt so fresh, oh – and it gets rid of stains whilst whitening too.

My dentist said my teeth are in great shape and I believe it’s because of this powder mainly…

Cons? The charcoal can stick to the gaps between teeth and stains the tongue a bit. If I was ever asked – which I haven’t been and won’t be – I’ll just say that I’ve been munching on that sweet liquorice bamboo, like the true panda that I am. Again, not that anyone would (ask)…

Notice: I would never and have never left my house with a weird looking tongue/mouth. I might not brush my hair and almost never wear make-up, but I keep my smile clean at all times. Thanks. It’s nice to know where I draw the line…

This post may or may not have added value to your life. I hope it has, but no worries if it hasn’t. Carry on being an absolute LEGEND.

Love,

Miamii

xxx

Aqua waka, hey, hey! Tsamina mina mina eh eh… 🎶 If I was a composer of musical pieces, I’d be BACH. What’s GOOD?!

I mean, let’s face it – you’re not here for a review, are you? No, because no one is here. This post’ll probably get a whopping 0 views. If you’ll excuse me, I’ll just talk to myself ’cause I don’t get that sweet talkback… If you know what I mean (socket to ’em)!

Let’s begin the review of Lush Aqua Marina. I’ve probably already reviewed this, there’s no shortage of Lush product posts on here, so…

Aqua Marina is what would happen if your facial/bodily skin smoked seaweed phantomly “because it got high, ’cause it got high, ’cause it got HIIIIIIIGH! 🎶” – the added bonus is that pink clay/Play Doh consistency formula. Yes, it looks like pâté – but it actually isn’t pâté… It’s terrine. Don’t try it.

I washed my face with Aqua Marina and my face legit looked like I came out of an in actual fact radiant skin inducing whirlpool.

A mineral rich-seaweed and calamine face and body cleanser to absorb excess oils and leave you with a clear complexion. We use kaolin and calamine to absorb oil and cleanse the skin, and aloe vera to restore moisture. Irish Moss gel (a type of seaweed) is full of restorative minerals and vitamins, and we’ve even included a sprinkling of sea salt for very gentle exfoliation.

My rating: it’s guten – not gluten. It’s the Beard of Life.