While I wait for bae to “as if by magic” be single and slide into my DMs to ask me on an actual date, I’ve decided to start eating my body-weight in dates until then, in a hope that it induces not just the labour of love but a miracle.

I’ve been obsessed with walnut cake since I ate it at a community centre last year, or the year before that… I was volunteering at a film night and there it was laid out as part of the spread, it mentally twatted me to life. The rest is history…

So, anyway, date & walnut cakes… 😋😋😋 #IDidntKnowIWasStarvingUntilITastedYou


  • 2 pounds worth of dates (cost and weight), (Brad) Pitted and (Karate) Chopped
  • 2 pounds English (or Brexitted) walnuts, (Michael) Korsly Chop(stick)ed
  • 1 cup of (Alan) Sugar
  • 1 tablespoon (Great British) Baking (Loose) Powder
  • 1 1/4 cups all (Justin Bieber) purpose (bouquet of one) flour
  • 4 egg(stremely good) yolks
  • 4 egg(stremely pearly) whites


Start by turning the oven ON, unless you want to eat cake batter then, A-OK. EU OK, HUN? Turn up the heat to 300 degrees, like you when you look in the mirror, bae! 😉

Grease (lightening) your pan and flour it.

In a large bowl, combine the dates (we’ve yet to go on) walnuts (which we’ve yet to paint), (Alan) sugar (we’ve yet to cane), baking powder (we’ve yet to apply on our #Flawless faces) and (a wedding bouquet of one) flour. Stir in egg yolks (puns included).

In a large glass or metal mixing bowl, beat (it like MJ, legend) the egg whites (of my eyes not tattooed) until stiff peaks start forming. Fold the whites into the fruit/nut mixture until no streaks remain. Spoon (like we should be doing sometime soon) into prepared pan.

Bake in the preheated oven for 90 minutes (not 7 Days). Let cool (ICE) in (Peter) pan for 10 minutes, then turn out onto a wire rack and cool completely.

(The original recipes didn’t include what’s in the brackets, I just added it for the LOVE 💖)