My faith: spiritual figurines

I have a Virgin Mary statue that I hold when I’m at my most depressed. I’m convinced it has healing powers. She and the Holy Family do, but there’s just something about holding the compact statue that makes me feel like I’m being held by her. It makes me feel so much better. I cry the most and the deepest I’ve ever cried whilst holding it though, but afterwards my mind (and heart) is very, very calm – the most at peace I’ve ever felt.

My phone:

I’m addicted to my cell-phone. I’ve never been arrested and had to call anyone while doing time but ‘cell-phone’.

My plants:

Before getting a pet, get a plant collection. I have like 5 plants… Bonnie the Bonsai, Sebastian the Aloe Vera and Santa the Cactus. I also have two others that were a gift which I’ve affectionately called ‘Nicki & Miamii’. The next step is a pet (although I look after my neighbours’ cats from time to time, when they pay our garden a visit) before the real test of responsibility… Kids.

My teddy bear:

I know it sounds absolutely crazy and nuts, but I have a teddy bear that I’ve had since I was young called Moon (pictured above) and he’s just the cutest. I wish Toy Story and/or Ted the Movie were real, so we could talk.

My healing crystals:

I have quite the crystals collection and they all are unique and do different things… They have their uses. I’m actually studying an online course – learning all about ‘crystal healing’. It works for me and fascinates me, so I’m learning more about it. If I had to choose my favourite stone it would have to be Jade. I very recently got a necklace from China, on a recent trip. I’ve learned not to post photos of my travels anymore as they’ll only get a maximum of 2 likes. More importantly though, memories are there to be had privately, not shared with the world.

Anyway, these are the materialistic things that I can’t live without, but they’re also priceless. I absolutely love them. Everyone has stuff they can’t live without, and it’d be awesome to hear about yours!

The old ‘mii?

I was a version of myself who didn’t have self-respect and didn’t know what it felt like to self-love, self-medicate, self-heal. I would sell myself short and put myself down. So, I guess I wasn’t really being myself back then, leaving me open to being shortchanged, overlooked and used/taken advantage of.‬

I blame no-one but the “old me” for this… I don’t have time to blame others, especially not when I brought it on myself. What I do owe others is a ‘thanks’ for showing me how I shouldn’t be treated. They were, without realising it, the catalyst for this shift/change within me – which, after this chapter of heartache, pain and uncertainty, I’m certain will lead to the ‘as perfect as can be’ rest of my life. I’ll attract an abundance of open doors, an abundance of love from the right people and an abundance of happiness. I’ll claim it when this dark cloud passes.

I hope these posts and tweets over the last couple of weeks show you that it’s okay not to be okay for a while, and that being vocal about it isn’t a weakness/attention-seeking. If I was doing it for attention (which I am 100% not), I promise you I’ve continued to attract the same amount of attention as I did before this phase.

If just one person reads some of my tweets or blog posts and resonates with them or it shows them a way out of those emotions that doesn’t involve ending it all, they’d have served their purpose.

Remember: it does and it will get better, as we have all proven many times before. I guess, it just gets so all-consuming each time that we forget what it felt like to be okay. But, we’ll get back there – and stay there for longer next time, we hope.

Anyway, if any of you are wondering whether I’m ashamed of publicly sharing my experiences with mental health or the feelings that take over me, ‘no’ is the answer. I’ll tell you why… I am a real human being with real emotions, with real reactions to real experiences or lack thereof.

If I brushed it all under the carpet, those people will continue to take advantage of me (unbeknownst to them that their game is up). I would be hiding the version of myself that rings most true to me. It’s this one, warts and all. I have ‘some’ really shitty down days (even though it feels like most right now) and some really uppety up days (even though it will feel like ‘most’ once this dark cloud passes).

Eventually, I like to hope that I won’t have as many down days as I do up, but I don’t expect that. As long as I know how to manage my ups and downs, I’ll be alright.

Love to those who deserve it and ignorance to those who don’t,

Miamii x

apps

Stop checking up on people who don’t check on you…

I was complaining that I couldn’t forget someone until I realised I was checking their social-medias throughout the day, so of course I couldn’t… It made sense. Now, I don’t and I hope that this hack helps me forget – besides, all they remember is the idiot that they took me for.

I’m not an idiot, not anymore anyway… I’m worth a lot more. I’m deserving of a lot more. Never mistake naivety for stupidity or idiocy. Never confuse a softness with weakness. I choose to be soft – but inside I’m strong. I’ve been through much worse.

Yes, I’m vocal about my emotional and mental health struggles, but someone’s got to be. That’s a strength. In a world where people are ignorant and ruthless, where life can be so mundane and dreary – be naive and impressionable, dream of a better future.

The world has aged almost 2020 years… When are we going to accept that everyone struggles, everyone suffers, and everyone is battling with their own inner demons – without having to hide it from the world, for fear they’ll think we’re “CRAZY”? It is LIFE.

Speaking about it, using this platform, will show people that if they’re battling similar things offline, there’s someone online that can give them “hope”. Never lose ‘hope’, redirect it if you have to… Never, ever lose it.

Everyone has their own definition of “crazy”, mine doesn’t include mental-health sufferers who have bipolar mood swings that are out of their control. My definition of the word is someone who’s intentionally ‘cruel’, intentionally ‘ruthless’ and ‘vindictive’.

I, thankfully, am not those (above) things… I can speak for myself when I say those traits are taught, they don’t just naturally happen… We can all survive without developing such traits.

We have all been through stuff, but we should understand that there’s two routes we can take… One: where become the experience we’ve endured, let the challenges consume us and change us for the worse… Two: where we decide to use our experiences for to change ourselves for the better. Making sure we don’t make the same mistakes again, and we don’t let it define us. 

Remember: sometimes we have to be brutally honest with ourselves and others, cutting relationships that are toxic to/for our growth. That is not “cruel”, that’s life. What’s “cruel” is lying to yourself and others and prolonging a connection with someone that’s detriment to yours’ or both’s mental health. 

Dare to trust, dare to believe, dare to dream. Just, make sure that when you realise who should and shouldn’t be trusted, believed or dreamt about, you act accordingly. That’s the trick.  Don’t let negative experiences change you… Especially if that’s who you naturally are.

Grief is a very real thing. People think it’s just grieving the death of somebody, but it actually isn’t limited to just that. It could be grieving the loss of a friendship, a relationship, a person that was once your best friend only to become a stranger…

People cope with grief in very different ways… I used to be the type that would seek my own type of revenge, or send myself down an even worse spiral because I thought/felt that was what I deserved. It’s kind of like punishing yourself and feeling guilt/resentment towards yourself…

However, the older and wiser I’ve gotten, the more I’ve become numb to the pain. I know it sounds really weird, but I genuinely do believe I’ve experienced enough letdowns, heartache and grief to now be at the stage where nothing could ever phase me. Of course I have my bouts of depression and anxiety, feelings crop up, but I’m human, like the rest of you.

I was told I was “abnormal” because I “refused to let people see me in depressive state”, or grief-stricken. But, the truth was, I spent years (from as early as I can remember) hiding behind a smile and laugh, that it was all I knew when I was in a group of people, around friends etc.

As soon as I was told this though (by one of my closest friends at the time) I started second-guessing myself. I felt like I was being fake, even though it was never the intention – nor something I could control. However, I knew things needed to change either way.

Since then, I’ve actually become unable to hide my true feelings – and if I’m depressed, I can’t control who sees it or when it happens. I guess, I owe that to my close friend.

One thing I’ve noticed though is there’s no longer a trigger for my grief or depression, at least – I don’t notice it anyway. As I’ve said, I’ve almost become immune, so I don’t really know where it comes from. It’s just there. When it is, I just get on with it. I can’t even force it out. It just stays and then goes. (Like me on occasions when I’ve been treated unfairly or made to feel undervalued, it was just a lethal concoction of naivety mixed with strong feelings that kept me coming back. Now, regardless of how strong my feelings are, I need to think of my future and mental health.)

I’ve lost enough people and failed at enough projects/relationships/friendships to actually no longer care. Whether that’s detriment to my future, I don’t know. But I do know this: I used to care so much for people/things that in hindsight literally didn’t even care about me (I now prefer it this way, because I can no longer get hurt).

I have removed all factors that could’ve lead to disappointment, I’d had enough. Frankly, all that matters in life is knowing how hard we tried with certain things and people. There is nothing and/or no one that can tell us otherwise. Regardless of what their version of events is, we know ours and that’s what will get us through. All that really matters is our own version. If they want to know, they can ask. If they don’t ask, they don’t care. Neither will we, in time.

It’s liberating to know that when/if people needed me, I was always ready and willing to there. But, when I needed them… Where the fuck were they? Or, better still – in my triumphs, where were they? Exactly.

Grief is very real. Take all the time you need to move on. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re grieving wrong, or you’re not grieving enough… Sometimes, people might even tell you you’re grieving too much. There’s a middle finger for that. Raise it up, raise it loud.

Signs that you’re grieving:

Uncontrollable emotions – feelings of depression

Panic attacks

Heart-wrenching physical pain

Low mood

Lack of ability to do daily tasks

Things to do when grieving

Sit it out, don’t force it out

Talk to someone when you’re ready – a stranger or someone you trust

Surround yourself with positive people that will elevate you and make you feel good

Signs you’re over grieving

You no longer talk or think about the situation that caused you grief / if you do, it no longer triggers an emotional reaction

Be patient. You will arrive at your destination at the time you’re meant to – embrace the detours and don’t be disheartened if life takes you off the beaten track, you’ll always get back to where you need to be.

You might look around at your friends’ lives and compare theirs with how much you’ve accomplished… But, the reality is this: they’re doing the same with yours.

We arrive at different times to different stages in our lives.

For instance, I have yet to find my life partner. I have not begun my journey to building a future with someone who will later become my spouse and father to my children… Reason? I am waiting on God to bring him to me. I am faithful and understand that everything in God’s time works out for the best. Our best.

I don’t look at my friends and think “why not me???” I look at them in awe, and think ‘I look forward to having that one day’.

After seeing most of my friends were getting engaged, married and pregnant, it got me thinking about it… (Also, I’m 28 and have been all the 20-years’+ before it… Girls obsess about these kind of things, Idk!)

But, I was lucky in that I had other stuff going on, so it really didn’t matter. I was doing what I love in the meantime, and still am. Also, there’s the small fact that I was (still am) reserving myself for the greatest person for me. One that’s handpicked and custom-made for me.

If I’m being honest, my problem was that I used to think if I “helped” God along, it’d bring my Boaz sooner… Umm, nope!

God wrote our lives while we were still in the womb. No amount of “helping along” will bring our desires sooner (relationships, friendships, careers etc). All we can do is work on ourselves, to become the best version of ourselves before we reach our destination.

I laugh and joke about it, but I really want to be at my most confident, happy and reach my spiritual best before I meet my life partner. Relationships of any kind are just an advancement or enhancement to an already perfect life. It is not an ‘abracadabra’ movement that fixes everything, but an accompaniment. It’s basically: “I have this ready-made life that I’ve been working on – and you have yours – how about we share them?.”

Not going to lie, I used to think I knew who it was going to be, but as time goes on, I’m realising I honestly do not. I know who I hoped it would be, but I also know that God’s will be done, and that’s what will be done. I am ready for whatever outcome. Looking at both options as a win:win situation helps…

Nowadays, I’m so grateful to be in a new headspace where I am focusing my attentions on other things that bring me absolute joy and fulfilment. I’m doing just fine. I am living my life, my way. The last piece of my puzzle will come when it’s destined to.

To be frank, I’m extremely thankful that I didn’t meet my Boaz earlier, because had I met them at a time when I wasn’t ready, it would’ve ended in divorce/a major breakup.

Admittedly, I was a cuckoo, and a somewhat-toxic (in some areas of my life) mess of a human with more emotional flaws than I let on.

I often get asked “what’s changed?” The answer is prayer and wisdom (teeth), I guess? I’d like to think it’s an age thing too – as I’ve always longed to get older, because I’m an old soul with lots of maternal qualities.

I don’t want to bible-bash, but when you’ve witnessed actual miracles happen to you – by God alone – it’s hard to sit back and keep your mouth shut. I’m one of those people.

To summarise, there finally came a time in my life where I am no longer stubborn, am no longer impatient, am no longer needy (of attention) – I freely admit to being these ways previously. If we don’t own up to our wrong-doings, we won’t grow, right?

If that miraculous transformation can happen to me, it will happen to anyone. Just believe and be mindful of the transformation, relish in it.

Now? I’m at home in myself more-so than ever before. I’m content with my own company (until the time is right to meet my spouse, when I’ll be sharing it with them). I know that when I meet them, I’ll know instantly/instinctively and it would be God’s doing. It will be eternal. It will be Holy. It will be blessed.

Fifth rule of ‘Life Club’? There is always more than four rules! Actual rule? Wait. It gets better. What’s yours won’t be anyone else’s.