SHILLS

I bought SHILLS’ Original Peel Off Black Mask after the hype around it simmered because I ain’t bout that “go with the trend” malarky. I like to enjoy things after everyone’s stopped talking about them. Weird, huh?

Luckily for me and unlike everyone else, no hair got caught in the mask as I peeled* it off!

*ripped

Did I like it?

I don’t really know… I mean, is ripping a layer of your skin off something one can enjoy? Who knows, but I’d like to say probably not. So, no, no I didn’t.

NUMERO UNO: my skin was left red raw after using this. It felt as though it’d been skinned. Imagine having to wear Estee Lauder’s Camouflage Maximum Cover just to cover the redness. Terrible doesn’t even cut it, my face reacted awfully to this.

Yes, it felt soft after using it but that’s probably down to the fact that I was touching FLESHY CHEEK MUSCLES (slight exaggeration but you get the gist, I hope).

Would I do it again?

I don’t really have blackheads or blocked pores so I’m definitely not their target audience. However, I like a challenge, and trying things out, so I’m glad I did even if it didn’t turn out as I’d hoped.

If I get blackheads or blocked pores in future I’d prefer to go to the sauna or steam rooms. I’d have to want to be skinless like a chicken to want to try this again.

So, word to the sensitive-skinned wise, if you want to try this – make sure you’ve been applying multiple skin strengthening creams for at least a decade… A few layers just won’t work with this mask, you need at least 10,000. Until then, try L’Oréal, Younique or LUSH.

When you’ve got L’Oréal’s Detoxifying Clay, LUSH’s Dark Angels and Prince of Darkness or Younique’s Royalty Detoxifying mask, you can’t really want to try something like this; unless you revel in being in Bear Payne… Don’t even get me started! What a name!? It’s all well and good until he gets to puberty – but after that, poor guy!

What I found out AFTER I tried this mask:

It washes off with water. You know what this means, don’t you? Those vloggers voluntarily ripped their skin off for your (squeamish) viewing displeasure.

In a nutshell, you don’t need to skin your face off like they do in the video tutorials… I don’t know if that’d have the same effect though. I guess the only way to take blackheads out would be by waxing them off? Which, in essence, is what this feels like. Hairs? Gone.

Oh, but upon reading other people’s reviews [I don’t do this before I develop my own opinion because I don’t want to be swayed], it hasn’t been proven to take blackheads out according to Amazon reviewers, anyway… Which is confusing to me because it took my my skin’s top layer off! Like, what are these people’s blackheads made of… Iron? 😱

For most of the Amazon reviewers, it was a NAY instead of a YAY. I second that.

If John Travolta could sing about it, he’d say: “I GOT SHILLS, IT’S MORTIFYING! AND I’VE LOST ALL MY SKIN. ‘CAUSE THE POWER THAT THIS MASK HAS, IS SKINNING-FYING”

Yesterday, the mother bearage and me took a trip to a department store, to do some shopping for my room. I want to decorate it, and make it brightly coloured. It’s Spring, which leads on to Summer no less… So, my room’s got to reflect my energy during those seasons.

We ventured into Habitat like a couple of sloths wanting to check out our nature reserves – slightly like a David Attenborough documentary… I didn’t last 10 minutes in there.

I found some scatter cushions that I fell in love with, took one out to have a look and they all fell like Dominos, and there were some crockery vases that I hadn’t seen… Needless to say, they fell like Humpty Dumpty and I was livid with embarrassment! Never again.

I did wonder though: ‘why on Earth they’d have a bunch of 10 cushions placed in front of vases on the bottom shelf’?! It’s a bit odd to say the least… I mean, I’ve never known anyone to do a 360 degrees turn around a table just to check if there’s some CROCKERY behind a cushion… WHAT THE FUDGERIGAR?! (if a bird was made of toffee).

A lady who works there shared my pain (without the added mortifiedness of smashing an item) and reassured me it was “all good” and that there were “too many cushions there, anyway”. She also, like a legend, cleared up my mess. Didn’t mention the stupidity of putting cushions in front of the crockery though… Alas.

I must’ve really embarrassed momski, but she still loves me (as I do her) and was there for me during and after my embarrassing ordeal. She did also warn me that I’d drop it, I was just feeling those #ThugLyf vibes… Sorry mum! 🙈💛

That was when my eyes met with a delightful, orange, holey throw… I can’t tell you how soft, bright, and stunning it was – but I’m going to…

Oh.

It was orange (less like DT’s burnt skin-shade THANK GOD but more like a juicy Orange 😍). It just looked DIVINE. I wanted it.

Habitat were doing 20% off everything, so I bought it and have been snuggling in it all day…

It’s so comforting, comfortable, and a-comma-dating. Imagine I dated a comma. #Punctuation. Let’s get #Grammatical, #Grammatical, I want to get #Grammatical… Let me see your #Apostrophe! 😜

Soft and warm, with a chunky pattern, the Topaz orange and cream knitted cotton throw adds colour and texture to a scheme.

Designed in house and exclusive to Habitat, the throw is lightweight yet cosy, the perfect piece to have at hand for chilly evenings.

In terms of room decor, this throw gets a PUNCH (above the rest, like Anthony Joshua), 10/10!

For colour, I’d give it another 10/10.

For price, usually – I’d give it an: “are you having a BATH without something from LUSH in there?!” On this occasion, because I smashed some crockery, and it’s worth it – like bae – I’d give it an “AOK.”

Not bad, Habitat… Not bad at all! It’s not bad enough to be — good!

Palmer's, Ripe Mango, Flipbalm

Palmer’s Cocoa Butter Formula Ripe Mango Flip Balm delivers incredible, long lasting moisture while refreshing your lips with ripe mango.

Features:

Ultra moisturising formula.
Made from pure Cocoa Butter and Vitamin E to soften and soothe dry lips.
The one-of-a-kind flip top dispenser allows for ease of application and easily flips open and locks back into place.
No Parabens –No Phthalates –No Petrolatum –No Gluten

This paraben, phthalate (I’m not sure what this means), petrolatum ( or this. I’m guessing- if ‘a tum’ was made of petrol? 🤔) and gluten free product is one of the best I’ve tried – in terms of a lip balm…

Palmer’s is obviously known for being a brand that specialises in products that include cocoa butter as one of the main ingredients, the Ripe Mango Flipbalm is no different… Others include: ripe mango extract (yes, I went there, bought the t-shirt, wore it and it’s now in the wash), coconut oil, and beeswax.

What’s my verdict on it? It’s cheaper and so much better than EOS. Look, EOS is only famous and hyped up because it’s got a celebrity backing. This, on the other hand, deserves that EOS hype and then some! It’s very good!

I find that this Flipbalm hydrates my lips, and keeps them soft and juicy like a… ripe mango. Oh, come on (tu t’appelle)!

The taste as well… 😍. Like, if bae💖 doesn’t hurry up and come to me just because I’m wearing a Ripe Mango lip balm, something’s not write*…

If you know me (or of me) you’ll know I love mangos.

I also love the colour orange quite a lot more than the average person. Which, subsequently, is the colour of the packaging.

The packaging is very similar to EOS in terms of the shape and formula. Its product is in the shape of a sphere (that’s right, I paid attention in Maths – when shapes was being taught! #RUMBUS).

Also, Palmer’s Flipbalm comes in a range of flavours – watermelon and coconut. You can purchase one for yourself by visiting Superdrug… It might burnt a hole in your pocket of change as it retails at a whopping £2 something.

‘When the going gets tough, the Man (gets) go-ing’. 💖 Man go-ing, go-ing… Don’t get gone. ‘Stay With Me’. Please? 😘

De Christ Wine

This wine uses a blend of 75% Sémillon, 10 % Sauvignon and 15 % Muscadelle.

It is bred in our cellars for a minimum of 2 to 3 months before it is bottled.

Very aromatic, very well balanced (sugar / alcohol), long persistence in the mouth.

Consumed very fresh (around 6 ° C) as an aperitif and fits perfectly white meats and with foie gras.

Let yourself be surprised by an astonishing pairing with Roquefort!

Finally, it will accompany wonderfully sweet desserts like wild strawberries.

Aging potential: 5 years.

Alcohol content: 10.5%

Christ the saviour of your Friday and Saturday nights is born… 

OH MY GOD, I can’t believe it… I’ve never been this hungover at home. (‘hungover’ as in hanging over my bedroom’s chandelier like Sia)🎶

You know what, I like wine the normal amount… I mean, I don’t like it as much as Phil Mitchell of Eastenders does…  But, I like it enough to drink it socially on nights in/out.

However, the ones I’m used to have a tendency to be too high in alcohol content, tasting too much like it too… I know what you’re thinking: “U WOT, MATE?!” I get it, I know…

Although, I did hear that the sign of a good wine means you shouldn’t be able to taste much of the alcohol. It’s the same with cocktails… Of course there should be a taste, but it shouldn’t be full on that you end up on the phone to 111 after you’ve had a few.

I’ll be pleased to know that De Christ wine isn’t one that tastes too much of alcohol. It’s so fruity, sweet and tasty – unlike any I’ve tried before. Much like bae.

I’m sure diabetes has tried knocking on my door (like a Jehova’s witness) since I’ve got this (potentially before), but I’ve let them in. We take it in turns, I read them a few passages from my blog, and they read me a list of their insulin stats dated 18 BC to 2017.

This wine tastes how I feel when I look at selfies of bae. SUGAR RUSH! 😍 and as though I’ve been frolicking in a factory of Werther’s Original, cos he’s worth it.

Although I love both white and red, this has converted me and I’m now a fully fledged white wine drinker.

I can’t have too much of any wine though because my head feels as though it’s hanging from the other side of a teacup ride. You know those rides at the fairground? Yeah, imagine my neck being what Stretch Armstrong is… You’re welcome.

L'Oréal

I’m actually typing this as I power plate… I have absolutely no idea how it’s going to come out, I’m just trialling this as an experiment.

The music – Ed Sheeran’s ‘Shape of You’ – is playing as I’m typing and my whole body’s engaging in convulsions of the electric pulsating variety. Nice.

Yesterday, I posted a photo of my new hair colour (and eyebrow shape) along with my made up facial follicles also known as ‘pores’. Singapores, winners of Dermatoligists Got Talent, 0-2017 (current).

Everything on my hair and face (except my brows and skin) was courtesy of L’Oréal. Yes.

I’m sharing it with you all because I think everybody could benefit…

L’Oréal might be cost effective, and umm – who doesn’t love cost effective?! It also leaves your face looking a quadrillion yens. (Pound’s suffering, and I ain’t giving that Fartface any more airtime). So, I’ll stick with yens…

Let’s take some time out to appreciate the title that I chose for this post… ‘Get The Look: without my DNA’ cos let’s face it (puns, puns everywhere!) if you looked like me… Scrap that, I wouldn’t let you!

Anyway, time to run through the process of going from Lebanese Polar Bear to Lebanese PHWOAR GRAS(ILY) BEAR! Relax, it’s French, isn’t it? 😉

*a step that isn’t really a step because if you don’t do this before applying your makeup, are you okay? Do you need a visit from the Hygiene Standards Agency?*

I washed my face with LUSH’s Let The Good Times Roll, and followed up with a LUSH’s Eau Roma water. Look, got to be patriotic to the French, don’t I? I’m using L’Oréal after all.. Also, LUSH sounds like a French word. Imagine Fred from First Dates saying it? … or someone from Leeds via Versailles. Anyway. Moving on (in the post, not from bae… #flambé).

I then went on to moisturise my layer using This Works’ In Transit Camera Close Up (which a full, detailed review of is coming soon). Long title, the length of its title is as long as the duration of love that I have for it…

Step One:

Prime that baby. Get that facial skin of yours, and put some L’Oréal ‘Infallible Mattifying Base‘ ‘pon it. I really want to swear – but my mum has instructed me not to. I listen to my mum, so FUDGE ME is this a good primer?! Butterscotch. It’s silicon-y and fills fine lines and nasilobial creases perfectly. Trust me, the amount of times I laugh at mine or bae’s jokes, it’s a wonder I don’t look 400 in the face…

Yeah, so – it’s good it’s infallible, inflammable, infantasticable, inflatulancable, infatuationable, influxable, inlovable, inadorable… Ineverythinggoodable.

Step Two:

Foundate that baby! Take that primed complexion of yours, and foundate it using Infallible Total Cover. The thickness of this bad boy… 😍 If it was a sport, it’d be dubbed: “PHWOARKOUR”!

It’s so hot that I need a fire extinguisher. I love it. 100% full coverage. It’ll probably cover every embarrassing memory that’s ever entered your mind.

I love this. It’s so bae that I don’t even know what ‘bae’ means anymore… Joking. How could I forget Bae? Even though he’s probably trying to (or already has) forgotten me.

Step Three:

Apparently, I got this next one’s name wrong… 😭

I thought it was the Nude Magique highlighter but apparently it’s True Match. I’ve got both the highlighter and bronzer in the True Match range.

I have no idea why I was thinking about Nude Magique… I’m a fully clothed naturist sorceress.

So, yes – I got it wrong and now I’ve fixed it. Knowing me, it’ll definitely happen again, but not with anything associated with L’Oréal. Scouts and Girl Guides honour.

So, highlight your triangles below the eyes, chin, bridge of your nose, and Cupid’s bow (without the arrow). Blend using the L’Oréal blender (if you’ve got one) or a brush/fingers of if you’re a filthy FCUKER, a boiled egg.

Step Four:

Take that Con on TOUR, babies! Draw them cheekbones like Picasso… Give your face that chisel, fizzle, drizzle fo’ shizzle!

As I prematurely stated in several paragraphs/sentences before this one… ’cause I type a lot, don’t I?

See, there’s a button which solves all of that… The “x” at the top left of this page. It’s a kiss, apparently! Alternatively, you could kiss me via a sublime (minal) tweet. 😘

At approximately Contour o’clock, apply the Liquid True Match Bronzer.

Step Five:

‘Lips or eyes?’ Lips or eyes..? I’m sure if L’Oréal was around in Shakespeare’s day, that’d be his first and foremost question… Forget his infamous “to be, or not to be?”.

I went with lips, all the better to kiss you with. I applied Colour Riche… It’s ‘badabing badaboom’. I’m sure everyone who had the privilege of seeing me yesterday would agree.

Step Six:

My favourite. Eyes. My most prized possession are my lashes. I’ve actively thought about getting them insured, then realised that I’m not vain nor completely senile. Emphasis on “completely”. 😂

Not speaking of bae (but speaking of him at the same time), his eyes are like melted Twixes. That deep, creamy droplet shade of brown. PENG!

So, yes, eyelashes. Double. Extension. Extend those lashes to DOUBLE the length.

WOW. My lashes went from there to EVERYWHERE.

They were probably enjoying the scenery in Queensland (Australia) while I was chilling at Buckingham Palace, London.

For those who’ve just joined us, or are not native to the UK, I don’t live in Buckingham Palace. Soz. The Queen does though.

Also, not every citizen of the UK is accustomed to that lifestyle of drinking teas with the Queen and taking her Corgis for a bladder or bowel relief on the grounds.

Step ‘MORNING’:

I dyed every one of my hair strands with L’Oréal Casting Creme Gloss. In keeping with the theme of the last paragraph, one could say that I shine brighter than Rihanna’s diamonds and Rudolph’s nose between the 23-26th of December.

There you go. That’s how I went from Miamii Mansour to Miamii Mansweet, like some Chinese takeaway that you’ve yet to eat from a plate.

Thanks for reading, or attempting to. It’s been fun, for me… I’m not sure if you’ve had fun… Maybe tell the moon and the stars to send me a message, informing me of your thoughts?