While I wait for bae to “as if by magic” be single and slide into my DMs to ask me on an actual date, I’ve decided to start eating my body-weight in dates until then, in a hope that it induces not just the labour of love but a miracle.

I’ve been obsessed with walnut cake since I ate it at a community centre last year, or the year before that… I was volunteering at a film night and there it was laid out as part of the spread, it mentally twatted me to life. The rest is history…

So, anyway, date & walnut cakes… 😋😋😋 #IDidntKnowIWasStarvingUntilITastedYou


  • 2 pounds worth of dates (cost and weight), (Brad) Pitted and (Karate) Chopped
  • 2 pounds English (or Brexitted) walnuts, (Michael) Korsly Chop(stick)ed
  • 1 cup of (Alan) Sugar
  • 1 tablespoon (Great British) Baking (Loose) Powder
  • 1 1/4 cups all (Justin Bieber) purpose (bouquet of one) flour
  • 4 egg(stremely good) yolks
  • 4 egg(stremely pearly) whites


Start by turning the oven ON, unless you want to eat cake batter then, A-OK. EU OK, HUN? Turn up the heat to 300 degrees, like you when you look in the mirror, bae! 😉

Grease (lightening) your pan and flour it.

In a large bowl, combine the dates (we’ve yet to go on) walnuts (which we’ve yet to paint), (Alan) sugar (we’ve yet to cane), baking powder (we’ve yet to apply on our #Flawless faces) and (a wedding bouquet of one) flour. Stir in egg yolks (puns included).

In a large glass or metal mixing bowl, beat (it like MJ, legend) the egg whites (of my eyes not tattooed) until stiff peaks start forming. Fold the whites into the fruit/nut mixture until no streaks remain. Spoon (like we should be doing sometime soon) into prepared pan.

Bake in the preheated oven for 90 minutes (not 7 Days). Let cool (ICE) in (Peter) pan for 10 minutes, then turn out onto a wire rack and cool completely.

(The original recipes didn’t include what’s in the brackets, I just added it for the LOVE 💖)


This review on Fiji water is extremely late.

I have been drinking this for YEARS but never thought to write about it because I just never remembered to…

Look – Buxton, Evian, Volvic, Smartwater… (when you surprise yourself at your level of understanding into the mineral/spring water industry) … They’re all good, but Fiji is by far the best imo. I love how island-ic it looks and tastes.

Not only can you see how iconic it looks, but you can taste it too. If I had to describe its taste, I’d say it’s smooth (and “mattifying” – #bblogger & #hblogger lingo) to the tastebuds. I love it. What’s more, it actually tastes exotic.

I always buy a bottle or 10 whenever I see them in a store.


Let’s discuss the packaging, yeah? Oh wow, it’s so different to any water bottle I’ve ever seen… It actually looks like or more expensive than its cost price when in comparison with other artisan water brands. Do you know any? 😆

I’m surprised it’s not a HUGE trend on Instagram tbh. Those colourful Starbucks shakes are good, but these bottles are just as good if you ask me…

Next time you see these in a shop, pick one up and taste the difference.

You can buy them in bulk at Ocado, apparently. O C A D O, 🎶

Finally, I would go as far as to say I get Fiji-ty when I haven’t had access to one of these, a coffee, a Yorkshire Tea or a selfie of your Cajunderrated SPICY, SAXY, Marvin Gaye Kareoke-inducing face. 💖

No H2O(T) beats YOU and purified water, FYI.



My writing is going ‘Down Under‘, soon! No, for real… I’m going to be writing a guest blog post for an Australian website.

“BONZA! G’DAY MATE! HOW ARE YA, THIS ARVO?” I’m allergic to Kiwi.

Kangaroos, you’d better get ready, ’cause I’m about to JUMP on this Aussie bandwagon quicker than you can breed…

That’s it, I’ve also got ‘Nothing (more) To Declare’.


Recipe time

Tonight, I’ll be sharing my favourite pancake omelette recipe in the whole world EVER!

If you’ve got me on Twitter and have a good memory, you’d know that I used to tweet about making a potato pancake omelette with chillies, a lot!

I first stumbled across this recipe completely by accident, no – really! 😆

I was peckish at home but saw that I only had a few potatoes, eggs and chillies, milk, and flour – excluding the usual seasoning products like salt and pepper (of course, cos like do they ever FINISH? 😂 #CupboardShelfLifeStrong).

All  We Need Is LOVE (and):

  • Potatoes
  • Green and Red Chillies
  • Salt
  • Pepper
  • Cheese (optional) – trust me, it’s Gouda!
  • Pancake Mix (flour, butter/oil, eggs, and milk)

What have I got to do to make you LOVE me (and want to make this):

I peeled the potatoes and chopped them really finely, and did the same with the chillies. I put them to one side as I set out to make the panacake batter.

You know how to make a pancake batter, right? If not, I’ll attach a link to it when I get home. Be BAEtient, for BAEtience is a virtue. #HaveALittleBaetience < if you don’t take anything at all from my blog, ‘Take That‘.

So, anyway, after the pancake batter gets mixed, chuck in the chopped potatoes and red/green chillies. At this point you should really be thinking about turning your HOB on, cos these things don’t cook themselves y’know…

Remember to keep the mixture on the heat until it starts to bubble up (like it would a pancake). The best way to tell is to run a spatula around the sides – if it doesn’t rip/tear too much, it’s ready to flip and cook the front too.

Be sure NOT to burn your potatoes. You don’t want to eat charcoal where your potatoes used to be. I think we’ve established charcoal is best used in skincare and inside barbecue grills.

Once it’s all cooked nicely, turn off the heat and apply the seasoning to your preference. All that’s left now is to DIG IN like you’re filming ‘Holes: The Movie‘.

I don’t have pictures yet, but I’ll upload it when I get home. Sorry. BAER with me, yeah? Thanks.


This is my poem:

You are a sort.

An absolute sort.

Yes, a sort.

Sort it out.

‘Cause I don’t know if you know this – but you’re…

A sort.