The old ‘mii?
I was a version of myself who didn’t have self-respect and didn’t know what it felt like to self-love, self-medicate, self-heal. I would sell myself short and put myself down. So, I guess I wasn’t really being myself back then, leaving me open to being shortchanged, overlooked and used/taken advantage of.
I blame no-one but the “old me” for this… I don’t have time to blame others, especially not when I brought it on myself. What I do owe others is a ‘thanks’ for showing me how I shouldn’t be treated. They were, without realising it, the catalyst for this shift/change within me – which, after this chapter of heartache, pain and uncertainty, I’m certain will lead to the ‘as perfect as can be’ rest of my life. I’ll attract an abundance of open doors, an abundance of love from the right people and an abundance of happiness. I’ll claim it when this dark cloud passes.
I hope these posts and tweets over the last couple of weeks show you that it’s okay not to be okay for a while, and that being vocal about it isn’t a weakness/attention-seeking. If I was doing it for attention (which I am 100% not), I promise you I’ve continued to attract the same amount of attention as I did before this phase.
If just one person reads some of my tweets or blog posts and resonates with them or it shows them a way out of those emotions that doesn’t involve ending it all, they’d have served their purpose.
Remember: it does and it will get better, as we have all proven many times before. I guess, it just gets so all-consuming each time that we forget what it felt like to be okay. But, we’ll get back there – and stay there for longer next time, we hope.
Anyway, if any of you are wondering whether I’m ashamed of publicly sharing my experiences with mental health or the feelings that take over me, ‘no’ is the answer. I’ll tell you why… I am a real human being with real emotions, with real reactions to real experiences or lack thereof.
If I brushed it all under the carpet, those people will continue to take advantage of me (unbeknownst to them that their game is up). I would be hiding the version of myself that rings most true to me. It’s this one, warts and all. I have ‘some’ really shitty down days (even though it feels like most right now) and some really uppety up days (even though it will feel like ‘most’ once this dark cloud passes).
Eventually, I like to hope that I won’t have as many down days as I do up, but I don’t expect that. As long as I know how to manage my ups and downs, I’ll be alright.
Love to those who deserve it and ignorance to those who don’t,